The Cost of Children

It has been brought to my attention that babies are expensive. We have some really good plans to dress it in paper towel diapers (extra thick in the winter) and feed it table scraps, but everyone keeps saying it's going to require money to pull this off.

Well, I never really had any idea how expensive until I got an email from Janice. In this delightful electronic missive, I opened the PowerPoint presentation, listened to the wonderful music and set to learnin' about babies and dollars.

According to the various slides, it will cost us $160,140 to raise a baby from birth through its 18th birthday when, technically, we will be able to boot it off to some college and go back to our jetsetting lifestyle. Look out Miami Beach, here we come! In 2029...

Then again, I think we all know that baby raisin' doesn't stop at age 18. It also means that $160K doesn't even include college, which most people seem to think will cost another $160,000. That means the first 18 years are cake, it's the next four that really kill you.

Janice's little slide show isn't meant to be a horror movie. It actually works to comfort the expectant parent by breaking down the cost per day. It ends up being $24.24 per day to raise a child. For those of you who aren't good at math, that's $1.01 per hour. PER HOUR! Including the hours you're sleeping. I know parking meters that are cheaper.

I think the author of the presentation realized his mistake of trying to make people think that $1.01/hour is a reasonable rate to raise a child because it immediately switched to cute pictures of kids doing things kids do. Smiling, drooling, swinging, crawling, drooling, wobbling across floors, slipping drool, eating terribly messy foods, etc.

The whole goal, in my opinion, is to shock the living hell out of you by hitting you with the $160,140 number, then spending the next 10 minutes softening that blow with cute pictures of tiny toes. That way, by the end, you forget the original number - $160,140 - and they can still get away with, we-told-you-so.

I tried to put the PowerPoint on here, but it doesn't want to go. Sorry, you're going to have to come up with your own cute baby pictures. Or you can go here - http://www.itstime.com/priceofchildren.htm - and see a version of the presentation, without the cute pictures, but with cute clip art. Some of which even moves!

In any case, here is the text:

The Price of Children

The government recently calculated the cost of raising a child from birth to 18 and came up with $160,140 for a middle income family. Talk about sticker shock! That doesn't even touch college tuition.

But $160,140 isn't so bad if you break it down. It translates into:

$8,896.66 a year,

$741.38 a month, or

$171.08 a week.

That's a mere $24.24 a day!

Just over a dollar an hour.

Still, you might think the best financial advice is: don't have children if you want to be 'rich.' Actually, it is just the opposite. What do you get for your $160,140?

Naming rights. First, middle and last!

Glimpses of God every day.

Giggles under the covers every night.

More love than your heart can hold.

Butterfly kisses and Velcro hugs.

Endless wonder over rocks, ants, clouds, and warm cookies.

A hand to hold, usually covered with jelly or chocolate.

A partner for blowing bubbles and flying kites.

Someone to laugh yourself silly with — no matter what the boss said or how your stocks performed that day.

For $160,140, you never have to grow up. You get to:

finger-paint,

carve pumpkins,

play hide-and-seek,

catch lightning bugs, and

never stop believing in Santa Claus.

You have an excuse to:

keep reading the Adventures of Piglet and Pooh

watching Saturday morning cartoons,

going to Disney movies, and

wishing on stars

You get to:

frame rainbows, hearts and flowers under refrigerator magnets

collect spray painted noodle wreaths for Christmas, hand prints set in clay on Mother's Day and cards with backward letters for Father's Day.

For $160,140, there is no greater bang for your buck. You get to be a hero just for:

retrieving a Frisbee off the garage roof,

taking the training wheels off a bike,

removing a splinter,

filling a wading pool,

getting the cat out of a tree,

coaxing a wad of gum out of bangs, and

coaching a baseball team that never wins but always gets treated to ice cream regardless.

You get a front row seat to history to witness the:

first step,

first word,

first bra,

first date, and

first time behind the wheel.

You get to be immortal. You get another branch added to your family tree, and — if you're lucky— a long list of limbs in your obituary called grandchildren and great grandchildren. You get an education in psychology, nursing, criminal justice, communications and human sexuality that no college can match.

In the eyes of a child, you rank right up there under God. You have all the power to heal a boo-boo, scare away the monsters under the bed, patch a broken heart, police a slumber party, ground them forever and love them without limits,

So, one day they will — like you — love without counting the cost. That is quite a deal for the price!!!!!!!

Love & enjoy your children & grandchildren!!!!!!!

 

 

Thank you, Janice!

Things To Think About (I Hope They Don't Keep You Awake)

There are several things I think you should consider before becoming a parent.

Like, for example, you have to make sure you’re financially responsible. You don’t want to bring a child into the world and have to clothe it in banana leaves and wipe its butt with grass clippings because you don’t have enough money to buy diapers and we already talked about not recycling poo for food.

Just make sure there is enough money to support you, your wife and, of course, the whole reason this blog exists, the baby. Oh! And to keep the Jack Daniels Distillery in business. That’s an important one.

To that end, I sold the boat and made enough to pay it off, along with a credit card. Point, Mike!! I figure it’s trading a boat for a baby. Fair enough. Though I don’t know how that kid is going to carry me into 12 inches of water as I stalk a 30-inch snook. But that’s a different blog entry, I think.

We’ve also done several other things to make sure we can afford Gerber baby food, as opposed to Flavorite or whatever Circle K is peddling these days. But most are illegal and I can’t talk about them on a public blog. If pimping is illegal, they’re ALL illegal.

I think you should be healthy when you decide to become responsible for another human being for the next 18 years. Okay, 20 years. 25? 30, right? All right, 37 and counting. Thank you Mommy and Daddy!

Mike's Big Sacrifice

In the spirit of overall health, I took what is perhaps the biggest jump of all. I bought LOW SODIUM bacon. Not only did I buy it. I ate the whole package. And, no, not at once, that would defeat the purpose. I spread it out over a number of days (2) so my taste buds didn’t really know what was going on.

It’s a big step though.

Editor’s note: I’m being forced to watch the University of Miami open up their season against FAMU on ESPN 360, which is only a real thing because the internet says so. Which is ironic since the internet is the only place I can get that “station”. That has nothing to do with babies, but it pisses me off, so I thought I’d let you know.

Another thing you need to know: Having sex doggy style means you’re having a boy.

This Makes Boys

This is not an announcement, a pronouncement, a denouncement or any other kind of nouncement. It is a scientific fact (according to the stupid internet, which invents channels for you to watch football on). I wouldn’t believe it but, if any guys read this, it might help your cause the next time your girl wants to have a baby. Just sayin’.

We won’t find out if we’re having a boy or a girl for a few more weeks, so you’ll have to keep guessing how it happened.

Finally, this is a perfect example of why I feel I am fit to be a father. And topical, too. And timely.

My boss, Margot, and I took a tour of the old Frances Langford/Evinrude estate today. Edenlawn Plantation. If you get the chance to go….sure, why not? I did.

Along the way, we found a fruit tree that the guide said was a starfruit tree. I know a starfruit and those testicle-looking things hanging from it wasn’t starfruit. So she picked it up and brought it back to the office.

As we were trying to figure out what it was (thank you, Google Images) I cut it in half and was playing with the insides. It was hard to cut and obviously not ripe. But I pulled the seed out, sniffed it real close to my nose, played with the fruit part, etc. General inspection. Not like the kind Paris Hilton is gonna get when she goes to prison.

Margot was reading the internet and said “Well, taste it. See what it tastes like.”

I’ve grown up in Florida and lived here long enough to know nothing goes in your mouth unless you know exactly what it is. Or who it is, in some cases but, again, another blog entry, I think. I also knew she was half-kidding.

She kept reading, while I kept sniffing and prodding it.

“It’s an ackee,” she said, reading the web page. “Ackee was first introduced to Jamaica and later to Haiti, Cuba, Bali, Barbados and others. It was later introduced to Florida in the United States.”

More: “The dried seeds, fruit bark and leaves are used medicinally,”

Ackee....poison.

I sniffed and prodded some more. She read on: “The fruit is used to produce soap in some parts of Africa. It is also used as a fish poison and is POISONOUS TO HUMANS UNTIL FULLY RIPE.”

I immediately washed my hands. And my nose.

The point of that story is, if I will purposely pass up the opportunity to taste a brand new, foreign fruit, despite the urging of an authority figure, I’m certainly mature and wise enough to bring a child from pooping and peeing mess to serviceable member of society.

Thank you, Jamaica! (And Snoop Dogg).

Things You Shouldn't Do When You're Pregnant

Okay, I’ve been getting yelled at from several people because I don’t come on here and update this nearly enough.


To be honest, there isn’t that much to update, so I figured I’d take a little rest before the “real excitement” kicks in and I get to write about how we can’t fit Melissa through the door and other fun things like that.

I do, however, have a few observations that I would think anyone who has ever had a baby, or known anyone who has ever had a baby, or seen a movie about anyone who has ever had a baby would know all too well.

Speaking of movies, Melissa made the No. 1 mistake that expecting mothers who are still early in their pregnancy and thinking how cool it is and just generally overwhelmed by the joy of giving new life should never do. She watched a video of a birth.

Just off the top of my head this sounds akin to someone about to go on a hunger strike looking at picture of Gandhi, late in his life, of course. Or a potential race car driver watching Richard Petty flip his car 8 times and then get T-boned by another car at Daytona. Or a potential astronaut watch repeated video footage of the Challen…nevermind, you get the point.

This is, apparently what expectant mothers do. They can’t just accept that there is pain coming, they have to see what it looks like. The problem is now she has six months to look forward to being the star in that video.

Second, we’ve been calling whatever’s growing inside of her a “blueberry” since the day we found out she was pregnant. Basically, because that’s how big the internet said it was at that time. You can probably refer back to a rant about comparing children to food in an earlier blog, if you want.

Anyway, the blueberry update is that the baby is now the size of an apple (not the ½-pounders at the vegetable stand but, rather, a non-steroid induced, non-mutant apple). It’s supposedly around 4 inches now. Melissa was kind enough to pose for a couple of relevant pictures, just to give you an idea of what the baby looks like now.

Some other interesting facts about this week in Melissa’s body, or As The Stomach Turns, as has been the case is the fact that the baby now weighs in at about 2 1/2 ounces (pretty paltry apple, if you ask me). It’s busy moving amniotic fluid through the nose and upper respiratory tract, which helps the primitive air sacs in the lungs begin to develop. Its legs are growing longer than its arms now, and it can move all of its joints and limbs. Although the eyelids are still fused shut, the baby can sense light. Which means, if I shine a flashlight at Mel’s tummy, the baby will likely move away from the beam.

That’s right! I’m the proud owner of a new flashlight. 1 million candle power. I don’t just want it turning away from the beam, I want to be able see it’s shadow as it does so on the wall behind Melissa! Okay, not really. But I love the idea of it being light-sensitive this early. Very cool.

This will give you some sort of an idea of what's going on in there. Looks kind of cozy, actually.

http://www.babycenter.com/2_inside-pregnancy-weeks-10-to-14_10308108.bc

According to an email from one of the 193 email update services Melissa gets to let her know what’s going on with her body, she can’t get any tattoos until after the birth. Something about the kid coming out wonkered.

So much for those Labor Day plans…

Doulas, Dollas, Apricots and Plums

So, apparently there are many things to learn before you actually have a baby. Who knew?

I'll tell you exactly who...every single person who has ever written a book about the subject. The best part is they get to make stuff up because, despite the fact this has been happening for more than 130 million years, nobody has bothered to take good notes.

It is at this time I would like to thank Allison for generously sending us a pair of books to prepare for this life-changing experience.

Melissa's is entitled "What To Expect When You're Expecting" which is a book I was told by at least a couple people to go buy. Immediately.

I had no idea these people hated me. This book, it turns out, is full of all kinds of useful information. Useful, that is, if you never want Melissa to sleep again in her life.

Because every little fact or bit of advice goes straight to her head and she is convinced that is going to happen to her. Your feet might swell and hurt. Ouch, she says and there go her dreams of being a Manolo Blahnik model. A warning of increased moodiness means she's allowed to practice now, I guess. Let's not even talk about what the false labor chapter did to her...

Mine is called "The Expectant Father, Facts, Tips and Advice for Dads-to-Be" which, well, no one told me to get immediately. I've read a few pages anyway. But they were mostly the pages with recipes on them. Apparently, I was supposed to be feeding her Cucumber Salad and Low-Fat Cream of Zucchini Soup this whole time. Seems to me she's been throwing up enough.

Also, it's striped like all the ties I'm sure to get for Father's Day for the rest of my life. Nice. Thanks.

There are, however, some other fun tidbits.

Like, for example, babies are FREAKING EXPENSIVE. And you're not supposed to scoop up their green poop and use it for food again, even though it looks exactly the same.

At some point we are going to experience increased sexual desire. Woo hoo! Oh wait, the next page says it may go the other way. This is why I hate reading books...

Also, the breastfeeding chapter was not for me. Apparently, my child will like those too. Must be in the genes!

On page 138, it says we may want to find some Greek woman to come help us. This is called a doula. After reading about how FREAKING EXPENSIVE children are, I think we'll concentrate on finding a dolla. Maybe 100 dollas!

All in all, these books seem to be interesting. In keeping with our American sensibilities, they like to compare the size of our child with food. This week, it's a plum. Last week, it was an apricot. Started out as a blueberry, etc. God forbid they actually trust us to figure out how big 3 cm is. Anyway, it's nice to walk through the grocery store and point out how big the kid is and then see how much it costs per pound.

Thank you, Allison, for these very nice books. I haven't gotten to the chapter where it says when it's okay to take the kid to trivia night, but I'll keep reading!

It's Got a Brain...and a Face!

The first words uttered in the dark, tiny room said it all.
“My goodness” and “Holy crap”.

Those were the instant, first-words-out-of-our mouths as soon as the picture of a 13.2-week old baby popped up on the 50-inch TV screen one second after the tech applied the ultrasound to Melissa’s belly.

Head to the left, facing you. The two big dark spots are brain,
the lighter ones to the left are eyes. Nose in the middle!

Of course, Melissa was slightly more concerned with her surroundings. My “Holy Crap” came out before I even had a chance to catch it. Which means we were lucky it wasn’t something a little more colorful.

We spent the next 15 minutes mesmerized by the fact that it actually had a brain. Weird, yes, I know. We could make out feet, hands (which seemed quite content to spend a lot of time in the mouth) and a face. Yes, it has a nose!

We saw the heartbeat, which the tech said was right where it should be at 160 beats per minute. That apparently runs in the family since Melissa and I weren’t far behind at this point.

She turned the sound up and we could hear it super clearly. Very cool. There was even the little heartbeat wave thing along the bottom of the screen, so you could see how consistent it was.

The whole point of the visit was to get measurements of the flap of skin at the base of the baby’s neck. This flap is part of the lymphatic system and, by getting a baseline today, when we go back in five weeks to do it again, the doctor will be able to determine if the baby is predisposed (or will be born with) certain diseases, and/or ailments, such as Down’s Syndrome. She also gave blood, which will be compared to more blood in 5 weeks, which helps with the test.

Foot!!

But everything looked good today. The doctor didn’t even bother to come in and see her, which the nurse said was good news because that means he thought everything looked all right.

The tech wanted the baby to flip around a little bit so she could get a good profile, but it was being stubborn. When Melissa contracted her stomach muscles to try to convince it to move, the baby turned all 1980’s rock-n-roll and started moving both arms in a raise-the-roof, the-walls-are-caving-in kind of motion.

A couple minutes later, it flipped around to the right position.

It may have a brain but, apparently, it’s still trying to figure out how to use it! That’s definitely a Readling family trait…

Starting Out...

Okay, so here's how it happened. Melissa woke me up one morning and showed me a pregnancy test stick.

"Does this look like a plus sign?"

"Why? What does that mean?"

"If it's a plus it means I might be pregnant."

Me, trying to figure a way out of the conversation, replied something along the lines of "Okay, plus sign. But I
don't believe it, Let's check again next week."

Fast forward to next week. Plus sign. Darker.

"Let's, um, see what the doctor says," I said, looking around the tiny apartment and wondering where, exactly, we were going to put a baby.

Short story short: The doctor said she was pregnant too. And now we had about five weeks to keep our mouths shut so as to not piss off the pregnancy gods by informing people before the 12th week. Bad things happen if you do that and your children are born predisposed to ballet lessons and jumping off of roofs onto the hood of your car.

So we waited. And she dry heaved. And we waited, despite multiple trips to our parents and being around all of our friends (some of us slightly drinky and talkative), but we held it in.

Last weekend we let our families in on the secret. Happy happy, joy joy. Cousin Dana gave us a way cool crib (THANK YOU) and we waited for the next big day -- Wednesday and the first sound of a heartbeat.

Yeah, that's my backyard!

There is nothing quite so amazing as hearing the heartbeat of a baby that's barely 12 weeks old, even if sounds like it's underwater, next to a working oil rig and your wife is crying her eyes out. It sounds kind of like a butterfly avoiding being sucked into a vaccum with various levels of whimpering and sobbing. Very cool, nonethless.

It was good to at least prove there was heart somewhere within
Melissa. Because after 5 weeks of waking up early to dry heaving every morning, I was beginning to wonder.

Which brings us to today -- August 12, 2010 -- and the beginning of the Readling Baby Blog. It is here that you can keep updated on all the cool happenings and goings on in the life of the whatever it is growing inside of Melissa's uterus.

There will be doctor updates, random musings, professional tips in case you happen to find yourself in this situation and, of course pictures.
We'll start that last category with Melissa, Week 12.5. Total weight gain: -1 pound. Best. Diet. Ever.

Have fun!