BELL-AYYYYYYYY

There is an added bonus to this whole pregnancy thing…Melissa’s belly.

Not only is it big enough to make watching her try to walk through doorways more hilarious than I had ever imagined, but it provides hours of entertainment. I mean, this is like The Jeffersons plus All In The Family plus The Beverly Hillbillies multiplied by The Big Bang Theory. With some Mork and Mindy thrown in for fun!

Maybe we'll name the baby Elly Mae...

I first learned of all the belly fun at Halloween. That’s when Alex, our local artiste, showed up and painted it up like a pumpkin. We then fit the nice, new pumpkin into a hole Melissa cut in a pair of overalls that were either laying around, or someone left here when they visited. Then she walked around all night looking like a farmer holding a pumpkin plucked fresh from her patch. Very fun! I, on the other hand, being un-pregnant, was forced to go as a flashing banana and rub my exposed banana-ness all over whoever happened to be standing in front of me. Luckily, it was girls most of the time.

Lesson No. 1: If you’re going to be pregnant, make sure you’re pretty far into it around Halloween. The farther, the better.

Another thing I’ve learned about big bellies is they’re just fun to look at.

Pumpkin on the left, Amber on the right

I’ll be in the kitchen, slaving over another hot gourmet dinner (anything to keep the mother of my child healthy and satisfied), when I’ll look over and watch her just stare at her belly. It’s not like there isn’t anything else going on. We have a backyard full of jumping fish, three cats that like to do stupid cat things and, most of the time, the TV is on. There’s usually some sort of crap on that she likes to watch, like Aces of Cakes, or Extreme Dresser Makeovers or Being In Jail With Crips and Bloods, but she just stares at her belly. It’s like she’s waiting for the exact moment her belly button pops so she doesn’t miss it. I would think the KER-THUNK that sucker is going to make when it goes would be enough, but she apparently wants to watch it happen.

I used to wonder what in the living hell she was doing, until one day I put down the spoon I was using to stir the Cup O’ Noodles and asked her what she was doing.

“Watching for when she kicks,” is what she said. “You can see it when she kicks.”

Well, first of all, no you can’t (at least at that point, which was around 23 weeks, you couldn’t). Second of all, I stood there for about 10 minutes and waited for her to kick which, apparently she did once or twice, just not in a visible manner. The entire time, thoughts like “a watched pot never boils” were running through my mind. Yes, the Cup O’ Noodles was in peril, but this was an important step in my pregnancy. So I thought. Turns out…it wasn’t. And the gourmet Cup O’ Noodle Casserole burned. Have I mentioned how much I like Big Apple Pizza?

Now that we’re around 28 weeks, you can see little, itty bitty thumps. If you watch real carefully and have had enough beer and have been staring straight into a 100 watt light bulb for 5 minutes.

Backyard jumpin' fish (I wish)

In any case, it’s fun to watch her be so mesmerized by her belly. It’s not like we have DirecTV in two rooms, or anything. Or an iPod. Or a Wii. Or a BACKYARD FULL OF JUMPING FISH.

Another favorite Melissa pastime is laying on her back and pretending her belly is Mt. Everest as she walks those little green Army men up, making them stop at different base camps so as to not get too sick. Okay, not really. What she really likes to do is rub that Burt’s Bees lotion on her belly so she doesn’t get stretch marks. CORRECTION: Turns out it’s Johnson’s Baby Creamy cocoa and shea butter she likes. I still like typing Burt’s Bees, so that part is staying in. And I just got to type it again!  I told her I think stretch marks are a sign of accomplishment. She says “no”. But, then again, she stares at her belly like it’s a drive-in with quadrophonic speakers. What does she know?



Looking for a sherpa



I also like to watch her try to roll over in bed. It takes about 10 minutes per roll and is accompanied with a fair amount of groaning, followed by a big, heavy sigh of relief.

My FAVORITE part of the whole belly thing is every morning I can wake up, put my hand over on some quadrant of her belly and feel Baby R kick. It’s sooooo cool. One day, I felt the baby kick on the right side, do some sort of somersault flip thing, and then start kicking on the left side. Very strange, but very cool. Especially for someone who had never felt a baby kick before.

It could be the best thing I do every day. And I can’t wait for it to get better and better as the baby grows.

Speaking of growth, here’s one of my favorite updates. According to one of those crazy baby information sites that Melissa has emailed to her by the thousands each day, the baby is now about 2 pounds (1 pound, 15 ounces, last I heard from a real, live person paid to talk to us in the place of a real, live doctor), which equivocates to the size of a…are you ready?...English hot house cucumber.

Really?? An English hot house cucumber? Can’t they just say a stick of pepperoni?

Scarier still: If you do a Google Image search for English Hot House Cucumber, you get a bunch of images of unborn babies.

Self explanatory

The Coolest Baby Picture Ever (and a snot sucker update)

            One thing is for sure, the more Melissa’s belly grows, the better the pictures get. And I don’t just mean the ones of her right after she wakes up and her belly is hanging out the bottom of the t-shirt she slept in. Although those are pretty good, too.

            We went to the baby doctor on Friday and got our first look at a 4D ultrasound shot of Baby Readling in the womb. Freaky.

            It was a typical ultrasound with plenty of gray and shadowy things that may or may not be arms or hands. As usual, the probe would find the baby in the right spot and we could see really clearly the spine and ribs and the little heart beating a 100 mph. She has really long legs and likes to move her arms around. On this particular day she had the hiccups and we all had a good time watching her whole body (all 1 pound, 15 ounces of it) jump every time she hiccupped.

            Then the tech hit a button and everything went from gray and shadowy to bright and clearer than anything you can imagine. It was like someone pulled a chain and turned on a light inside of Melissa.

            It was then that we saw some of the coolest pictures ever.

            You can clearly see the baby’s left arm pressed up against the back of her head, complete with a little fist. We could even see ripples in the skin on her arm. There is the top of her knee and most of her upper torso. You can’t see her face because it’s turned away from the probe, snuggled comfortably in the placenta wall. Weren't THOSE the good ol’ days!

            Totally amazing.

Baby Readling chillin' in her placental home

            According to the ultrasound tech, she’s is the perfect size, though she’s gonna start booming in the next couple weeks. At 26 weeks she weighs just under 2 pounds, which means she’s got about 5-6 more pounds to put on the next 14 weeks. That also means Melissa needs to find some bigger t-shirts to sleep in because, if baby gets bigger, so does mommy. Exponentially!

            In the meantime, we got to finish registering at Babies R’Us (at least I did). Hopefully, I won’t ever have to go in there again. They did have some nice Miami Dolphins cheerleader outfits, which I got to run the gun on several times. Other than that, I’m learning real quick that manufacturing and selling baby implements is one hell of a scam.

            What other kind of business can you make something for $1, sell it for $19.50 and then turn around and sell the same thing (only one size bigger) for another $19.50 after the baby grows out of it at 3 months? That’s $40 worth of clothes that she most likely won’t fit into six months after she’s born.

            The rally cry the whole way through the store, as mulled over strollers, high chairs, pack-n-plays and wipe warmers, was “Do we have everything we need to get her home safely from the hospital and through the first night?” I figured, if we can get her that far, we can make a quick list in the morning and run out and buy whatever we need all of a sudden.

            One update: It turns out they give you a snot sucker at the hospital! I guess they don’t feel like recycling those. Who knew?

            Whatever….we’ll take it!

Can't We Just Call a Snot Sucker a Snot Sucker?

Hell!

         
           
For a truly humbling experience, you should take a little stroll through the baby department in your nearest Target. It’s quite fun, what with all the light blues and pinks and duckies, and bunnies and lady bugs.



Evil smile

There are pictures of smiling babies doing everything from bathing to sitting up, to crawling to pooping their brand new, snuggable diapers. You can tell they’re pooping because the ones on the diaper boxes always have the most evil smiles.

You can get lost in the array of bottles and bottle cleaners, soaps, lotions, bibs (my God! The bibs!), formula, binkies, teethers and a whole bunch of other things that are meant to go in (or keep things out of) your baby’s mouth.

If you look in the right section, you can even catch a glimpse of a boob. Or multiple glimpses if you’re wife isn’t looking.

At the end of the aisles stretches a whole other section which is, basically, an infant vehicle showroom. There are strollers with 8 wheels, three wheels, covers, no covers, covers with windows, recliners, cup holders, Cheerio holders and even one that had an iPod dock so you can listen to Shania Twain while you’re pushing your poopy spawn through the mall.

           

Yes, that's really an iPod dock

 It’s all very fun and exciting. And, if you’re registering for stuff you don’t want to buy, but will take for free from friends (as we were), they even give you a gun to scan your would-be booty with. I should say they give the daddy-to-be the gun because I saw four or five other couples registering and the guy was always the one with the gun. It's hunting and gathering in a whole new, sterile, ducky-filled, technological level. Although, in part because this is Martin County, there was one guy who was wearing camouflage. He didn’t want the 3-6 month, bluebird-designed Nuk to get away, I guess.

A Nuk, by the way, is something you stick in the baby’s mouth when they start crying too much. Shuts them right up and causes their front teeth to become buck teeth when they grow up. But it’s worth it because it shuts them up. Some even have the ability to put medicine (or whiskey, your choice) in the Nuk handle so the kid is sucking it up, all the while ruining their orthodontal future.



Just add Jack Dan...,um, children's medicine



Speaking of things that aren’t called what they should be…snot suckers are actually called newborn nasal aspirators. Do you think new parents actually ask each other to pass the newborn nasal aspirator? NO!!! They say, “Where in the hell is that snot sucker?” as they crawl around on their hands and knees, looking under the couch, or behind the toilet.

That said, this whole registering this is simple, right?

Lesson 1: Bottles.

What looks like
a standard
bottle.

There are soooooooooo many bottles and they come in every shape and size imaginable. You can get a straight one, or one that’s bent in the middle (I don’t know why). Some have bags in them. Some say they prevent colic. Some say lower air intake. There are different ones for newborns and those 3-6 months old and those older than that.

Yes, we were overwhelmed by baby bottles. Sad.

But that was only the beginning.

This may as well be a Ferrari

Lesson 2: Picking a stroller is equivalent to buying a car. They all have different features (although the easy-to-fold ones are still rarely that) and they all have pro’s and con’s. Snap-and-go. Britax, Graco. It was explained to us that some are better for traveling, some are better for exercising and some are better for, say, Disney World. Or the mall. Or walking around Babies R’ Us as you finish registering for stuff you should have registered for before she was born, but simply ran out of time.  



None are easy to choose.

Lesson 3: Diapers. Nice and easy, right? Go find the one that says “Newborn” and buy that for her for right after she’s born. 3-6 months is for when she’s 3-6 months. 6-18 months, etc. Basically, Huggies and Pampers have a stranglehold on the U.S. diaper industry, so you go with one of them. And, oh, by the way, none of those numbers mean a DAMNED thing. Your kid could be 4 months and be in the 6-18 month diapers. Or she could be 9 months and be in the 3-6 month diapers. It's nice that they spent the ink to confuse us though. We picked up two packages of Pampers because they were on sale and you got a $10 gift card with the purchase.

This is a shot in the dark

After carrying them around for about 45 minutes, a woman who was shopping with her bald 8-month old, stopped us and asked if this was our first baby. She then proceeded to tell us how Pampers gave her child a rash and all she could wear were Huggies and this is why and blah blah blah blah. It’s weird that people feel they have the right to talk to you just because they have a kid and you’re on your way. But she was helpful. I guess.

So we turned around and picked up two packages of Huggies which, luckily, came with the same $10 gift card and were also on sale. We still don’t know how the baby will react to them, but at least we have 304 to test on her.

The problem is, unlike registering for your wedding, where all you do is run around Bed, Bath and Beyond with a gun and shoot cool things like shot glass combo sets, barware and bath towels. Or stroll through Dillards and scan in crazy China patterns, leopard print silk sheets and silverware sets (20 percent of you won’t be able to find 5 years later), there is actually a degree of responsibility when doing this baby thing.

I mean, you can’t be registering for a bib that says “Cool Dude” in big blue letters, when you’re having a girl. That’s just not right. More importantly, you have to make sure the things you do scan in will actually be helpful when the baby gets here. And they have to match when you get them home. You don't want a mismatched pack-n-play, high chair and baby seat, do you? That's just tacky.

For the record, it was one and a half hours in Target on Saturday and more than an hour in Babies R’ Us on Sunday, in which we only covered about 1/8^th of the store before we had to go watch the Dolphins play one of the worst games of the season.

Despite Chad Henne's inability to complete a pass to a guy in a white jersey, I would have rather gone hoarse yelling obscenities at a big screen TV, than trying to figure out which snot sucker I'm going to lose behind the toilet.

Doesn't this look fun?