Fetal hearts, blimps and baby Think Tanks bent on world destruction



Head, face, etc. The two dark spots are stomach and gall bladder (no, she didn't eat a bowling ball)



It’s been while since we’ve given just a simple baby update and, after seeing the doctor last week, this is probably as good a time as any.

So far, Baby R is about 11 inches long. For those of you vegetarians out there, that’s the length of a healthy spaghetti squash. Total weight – 1 pound!! Okay, so it’s a long and scrawny spaghetti squash. It’s just for reference, all right??

The more interesting fact is: Total Melissa weight put on around that one pound – 19 pounds. But it’s okay, 2 pounds is placenta, 2 is amniotic fluid and the other 15 is ice cream, hamburgers, Yoo-hoo and low-fat potato chips. So we can account for it and that’s all that counts.

 

12 weeks


Actually, everything is cool. The doctor said there is nothing to be worried about and that she was gaining weight at a nice rate. That still doesn’t stop her from asking every time we go near a doctor (even if he’s in the drive-thru in front of us at the ice cream/hamburger/yoo-hoo store) if it’s all right that she’s gained 20 pounds in 22 weeks. They all say “you’re fine” and then speed away before she can sit on them.

At this point in the pregnancy, Baby R is becoming more and more dangerous. Teeth are beginning to form and the kung fu dance she enjoys right before bed and anytime after Melissa dumps a bunch of food in on top of her is picking up steam. I even got to feel one of her more emphatic kicks the other night.

 

Some other things that are happening are the formation of eyelids and irises, which will eventually provide color to the most beautiful eyes in world. The pancreas is beginning to form, which is vital to the production of hormones, which will no doubt drive me crazy in about 12 years.

The doctor visit focused on the heart, so we got quite a show, thanks to the ultrasound. The heartbeat is still around 156 per minute. That’s A LOT. And it sounds really cool with the underwater effect produced by Melissa’s uterus.

We got to see the four chambers of the heart and the blood flow in and out of those chambers. There is a tissue called the Ductus Arteriosus, which is open now (and quite clear on the monitor) and will close forever as soon as Baby R takes her first breath.



16 Weeks



 

We also saw the aortic arch, which is the main artery from the heart to the rest of the body. And it looked just like a candy cane. As it should. All in all, very cool and very helpful because it doesn’t look like there are any issues at this point.

On another note, there are a few other things we’ve been warned to expect. Mostly these come from international baby Think Tanks disguised as “helpful” baby internet sites that bribe you with free coupons until you give up your due date. They then send you electronic missives every week, telling you “important” things about your body and what you can expect in the coming week. They are the ones who began comparing children to produce, so you can keep track of its size. It’s their way of controlling pregnant people’s minds in their ultimate goal to take over the world, thanks to an army of like-minded mommies.

This particular Think Tank is called The Baby Center. Well, it goes by Baby Center because Influencing Mommies For World Domination doesn’t click. Plus the initials IMFWD don’t lend themselves to a cool nickname.



22 weeks



  

In any case, the Baby Center propaganda of the week is what to expect during and after your pregnancy. Or 42 Things That Change When You Have a Baby. One of those. Whatever.  Here are some jewels:

1. You finally stop to smell the roses, because your baby is in your arms.
2. You respect your body ... finally.
3. Bodily functions are no longer repulsive. In fact, they please you. (Hooray for poop!)

Hooray for poop?? Really?



4. "You give parents with a screaming child an 'I-know-the-feeling' look instead of a 'Can't-they-shut-him-up?' one."

        5. "You learn that taking a shower is a luxury."

Just to prove that the Baby Center Think Tank is in full gear and taking effect, those last two comments were posted by “Jaidyn’s mom” and “Jayden’s mom”. Obviously two members of the Jayden Battalion, thinly disguised by one of them not being able to spell. There are a lot of “Anon.” listed as well.

I figure they must be the foot soldiers in this take-over-the-world scheme.

 

30 weeks. Just a projection, of course.







Boys Don't Ever Want To "Just Talk" (and other sage advice)

It’s never too early to begin thinking of lessons you want to, or hope to, teach your children. Sure, they may be 11 inches long and weigh a whole pound, but there’s never a better time to start your planning.

Plus, I was stuck in the passengers seat of Melissa’s car while she drove erratically up I-95 to Orlando. Oh! And it was easier to think of potential life lessons than picture exactly how high we’re going to careen off the back of that Honda Civic when she finally misjudges and clips the bumper.

So, here are a few things I came up with that I think could be helpful for young Baby R. And, just so they sink in completely, I plan on passing them along to her during both months that she’s old enough to understand what I’m saying and still actually paying some sort of attention to me.

In no particular order…

• Don’t order a hot dog in a seafood place. It’s a seafood place for a reason. Conversely, don’t order seafood in a hot dog place.




Too drunk to walk...


• These are legacy tips, passed from my father to me days before they sent me off to the University of Alabama for the first time: Don’t buy the cereal because of the prize inside; And, if you’re too drunk too walk, you’re too drunk to drive. So don’t.

• If mommy says “No”, ask daddy.
• Don’t mess with people’s hearts and don’t put up with people who mess with yours.
• Boys don’t ever want to “just talk”.
• There is truth in Jimmy Buffett music.
• Regardless of what Grandma says, do NOT take Ziploc bags in your purse to all-you-can-eat buffets.
• Tip well.



Problem solved!

• Sitting on the beach, on a nice, fuzzy blanket and simply staring at the ocean can solve most problems.

• There are two 12:15’s every day. Nothing good ever happens between the first one and sunrise.
• Key West is cool. Islamorada is cooler.
• Travel every chance you get. Go far. Stay long. (Not too long, daddy will miss you).
• BBQ is always better from the guy on the side of the road, cooking in a cut-away 55-gallon drum.
• Dale Earnhardt is the best racecar driver of all-time, no matter what those Jimmie Johnson fans try to tell you.



I hope she saved the receipt


• Panties should not resemble slingshots. If they do, return them and buy some with a wasteband.

• Don’t ride the cats.
• Fishing with daddy is cool no matter what your friends say.
• Karma is a real thing. Stay on the good side.
• Don’t drive and text.
• Learn another language.
• Walk out the same door you walked in. It’s called “sneaking out the back door” for a reason and, if you feel the need to do that, you shouldn’t have done whatever you did.
• Don’t make fun of people who are talking to themselves. They may be the smartest people around and have to talk to themselves because they are the only ones who can understand what they’re trying to say.
• Spontaneity is important. Even if it’s planned.



Okay, they make them for adults, but you look like the this.


• Enjoy feety pajamas while you can…they don’t make them for adults.



• Don’t tackle snowmen. They may be built around a stump.
• There is nothing wrong with being the smartest person in the room. Just don’t flaunt it. If you’re really that smart, they’ll figure it out eventually.
• You are free to pick out your own clothes…right up until the first night you go out with a boy. Then it’s my turn.
• There is beauty in a baseball game.
• Daddy is always right.

Fruit Update: She's a Banana

We've reached the 20-week mark, which means Melissa is halfway through. And she’s only cried 1,296 times. So, we’re right on target.

Hormones are raging. Unfortunately, they’re not raging in a teenaged, make-out-behind-every-door kind of way. It’s more of an I’m-not-gonna-let-Mike-sleep-because-I’m-reall-emotional kind of way. Because she’s crazy.

But it’s normal and to be expected. I know because I checked with every other person I know who’s pregnant right now and they confirmed that it is indeed normal and she is right on track. In the interest of fair reporting, I checked with all their husbands, too, but none of them could answer me because they were all trying to catch up on some sleep while their wives talked to me.

All in all, Melissa is hanging in quite nicely. She’s got those jeans with the stretchy waist bands and big fluffy shirts, so she looks pregnant, even if she’s successfully covering up her pregnancy. Apparently that’s what pregnant women do.

The baby is rolling right along as well. According to all the people who know these things, she’s the size of a banana. And, since we’re in the 20^th week, we get to start measuring her from head to toe, as opposed to crown to rump. That’s because she’s starting to stretch out her legs, which is confirmed by the occasional “Oooooo, ouch” from Melissa when baby stretches out her legs too much. So, head to toe! Crown to rump is so 19 weeks.

Some more cool 20-week baby things: She’s starting to swallow now and figuring out what her digestive tract is for. I know most of the 3 people who read this blog don’t have ultrasound machines at home, so if you want an idea of how this looks, pick up a banana and pretend it’s swallowing for the first time. And kicking its legs.

What a banana kicking its legs might look like

She is also beginning to accumulate a black gooey substance in her bowels, which will greet Dear Melissa when she changes the first couple of diapers. I could go real in depth on this, but I think I won’t. Just be glad you won’t be here for the first couple of diapers. I’ll take pictures though and send them on my phone. Did I mention it was Melissa changing those first couple diapers?

All the information you read on the internet and your iPhone and your Blackberry say the mother should have gained about 10 pounds by

now. So we’ll, ahem, go with that. Yes! Melissa has gained, um, 10 pounds so far.

Saved by a hamburger IV!! Thank God!

For the record, on the internet, I also found stories about UFO’s landing in London, a special hamburger drip feed that saved the world’s fattest man, a story about four-foot high speed bumps which solve inner city traffic problems and something about the University of Florida having a football team this season. So, obviously, we can believe EVERYTHING we read on the internet. 10 pounds.

Halfway through and, so far, it’s been very cool. We’ve gone from a blueberry to a banana (passing an entire vegetable section in the meantime), passed morning sickness, heard the heartbeat for the first time, saw the first kick and learned many lessons on what foods give pregnant people heartburn.

What more could you ask for?