Fetal hearts, blimps and baby Think Tanks bent on world destruction



Head, face, etc. The two dark spots are stomach and gall bladder (no, she didn't eat a bowling ball)



It’s been while since we’ve given just a simple baby update and, after seeing the doctor last week, this is probably as good a time as any.

So far, Baby R is about 11 inches long. For those of you vegetarians out there, that’s the length of a healthy spaghetti squash. Total weight – 1 pound!! Okay, so it’s a long and scrawny spaghetti squash. It’s just for reference, all right??

The more interesting fact is: Total Melissa weight put on around that one pound – 19 pounds. But it’s okay, 2 pounds is placenta, 2 is amniotic fluid and the other 15 is ice cream, hamburgers, Yoo-hoo and low-fat potato chips. So we can account for it and that’s all that counts.

 

12 weeks


Actually, everything is cool. The doctor said there is nothing to be worried about and that she was gaining weight at a nice rate. That still doesn’t stop her from asking every time we go near a doctor (even if he’s in the drive-thru in front of us at the ice cream/hamburger/yoo-hoo store) if it’s all right that she’s gained 20 pounds in 22 weeks. They all say “you’re fine” and then speed away before she can sit on them.

At this point in the pregnancy, Baby R is becoming more and more dangerous. Teeth are beginning to form and the kung fu dance she enjoys right before bed and anytime after Melissa dumps a bunch of food in on top of her is picking up steam. I even got to feel one of her more emphatic kicks the other night.

 

Some other things that are happening are the formation of eyelids and irises, which will eventually provide color to the most beautiful eyes in world. The pancreas is beginning to form, which is vital to the production of hormones, which will no doubt drive me crazy in about 12 years.

The doctor visit focused on the heart, so we got quite a show, thanks to the ultrasound. The heartbeat is still around 156 per minute. That’s A LOT. And it sounds really cool with the underwater effect produced by Melissa’s uterus.

We got to see the four chambers of the heart and the blood flow in and out of those chambers. There is a tissue called the Ductus Arteriosus, which is open now (and quite clear on the monitor) and will close forever as soon as Baby R takes her first breath.



16 Weeks



 

We also saw the aortic arch, which is the main artery from the heart to the rest of the body. And it looked just like a candy cane. As it should. All in all, very cool and very helpful because it doesn’t look like there are any issues at this point.

On another note, there are a few other things we’ve been warned to expect. Mostly these come from international baby Think Tanks disguised as “helpful” baby internet sites that bribe you with free coupons until you give up your due date. They then send you electronic missives every week, telling you “important” things about your body and what you can expect in the coming week. They are the ones who began comparing children to produce, so you can keep track of its size. It’s their way of controlling pregnant people’s minds in their ultimate goal to take over the world, thanks to an army of like-minded mommies.

This particular Think Tank is called The Baby Center. Well, it goes by Baby Center because Influencing Mommies For World Domination doesn’t click. Plus the initials IMFWD don’t lend themselves to a cool nickname.



22 weeks



  

In any case, the Baby Center propaganda of the week is what to expect during and after your pregnancy. Or 42 Things That Change When You Have a Baby. One of those. Whatever.  Here are some jewels:

1. You finally stop to smell the roses, because your baby is in your arms.
2. You respect your body ... finally.
3. Bodily functions are no longer repulsive. In fact, they please you. (Hooray for poop!)

Hooray for poop?? Really?



4. "You give parents with a screaming child an 'I-know-the-feeling' look instead of a 'Can't-they-shut-him-up?' one."

        5. "You learn that taking a shower is a luxury."

Just to prove that the Baby Center Think Tank is in full gear and taking effect, those last two comments were posted by “Jaidyn’s mom” and “Jayden’s mom”. Obviously two members of the Jayden Battalion, thinly disguised by one of them not being able to spell. There are a lot of “Anon.” listed as well.

I figure they must be the foot soldiers in this take-over-the-world scheme.

 

30 weeks. Just a projection, of course.