Doulas, Dollas, Apricots and Plums

So, apparently there are many things to learn before you actually have a baby. Who knew?

I'll tell you exactly who...every single person who has ever written a book about the subject. The best part is they get to make stuff up because, despite the fact this has been happening for more than 130 million years, nobody has bothered to take good notes.

It is at this time I would like to thank Allison for generously sending us a pair of books to prepare for this life-changing experience.

Melissa's is entitled "What To Expect When You're Expecting" which is a book I was told by at least a couple people to go buy. Immediately.

I had no idea these people hated me. This book, it turns out, is full of all kinds of useful information. Useful, that is, if you never want Melissa to sleep again in her life.

Because every little fact or bit of advice goes straight to her head and she is convinced that is going to happen to her. Your feet might swell and hurt. Ouch, she says and there go her dreams of being a Manolo Blahnik model. A warning of increased moodiness means she's allowed to practice now, I guess. Let's not even talk about what the false labor chapter did to her...

Mine is called "The Expectant Father, Facts, Tips and Advice for Dads-to-Be" which, well, no one told me to get immediately. I've read a few pages anyway. But they were mostly the pages with recipes on them. Apparently, I was supposed to be feeding her Cucumber Salad and Low-Fat Cream of Zucchini Soup this whole time. Seems to me she's been throwing up enough.

Also, it's striped like all the ties I'm sure to get for Father's Day for the rest of my life. Nice. Thanks.

There are, however, some other fun tidbits.

Like, for example, babies are FREAKING EXPENSIVE. And you're not supposed to scoop up their green poop and use it for food again, even though it looks exactly the same.

At some point we are going to experience increased sexual desire. Woo hoo! Oh wait, the next page says it may go the other way. This is why I hate reading books...

Also, the breastfeeding chapter was not for me. Apparently, my child will like those too. Must be in the genes!

On page 138, it says we may want to find some Greek woman to come help us. This is called a doula. After reading about how FREAKING EXPENSIVE children are, I think we'll concentrate on finding a dolla. Maybe 100 dollas!

All in all, these books seem to be interesting. In keeping with our American sensibilities, they like to compare the size of our child with food. This week, it's a plum. Last week, it was an apricot. Started out as a blueberry, etc. God forbid they actually trust us to figure out how big 3 cm is. Anyway, it's nice to walk through the grocery store and point out how big the kid is and then see how much it costs per pound.

Thank you, Allison, for these very nice books. I haven't gotten to the chapter where it says when it's okay to take the kid to trivia night, but I'll keep reading!