Things To Think About (I Hope They Don't Keep You Awake)

There are several things I think you should consider before becoming a parent.

Like, for example, you have to make sure you’re financially responsible. You don’t want to bring a child into the world and have to clothe it in banana leaves and wipe its butt with grass clippings because you don’t have enough money to buy diapers and we already talked about not recycling poo for food.

Just make sure there is enough money to support you, your wife and, of course, the whole reason this blog exists, the baby. Oh! And to keep the Jack Daniels Distillery in business. That’s an important one.

To that end, I sold the boat and made enough to pay it off, along with a credit card. Point, Mike!! I figure it’s trading a boat for a baby. Fair enough. Though I don’t know how that kid is going to carry me into 12 inches of water as I stalk a 30-inch snook. But that’s a different blog entry, I think.

We’ve also done several other things to make sure we can afford Gerber baby food, as opposed to Flavorite or whatever Circle K is peddling these days. But most are illegal and I can’t talk about them on a public blog. If pimping is illegal, they’re ALL illegal.

I think you should be healthy when you decide to become responsible for another human being for the next 18 years. Okay, 20 years. 25? 30, right? All right, 37 and counting. Thank you Mommy and Daddy!

Mike's Big Sacrifice

In the spirit of overall health, I took what is perhaps the biggest jump of all. I bought LOW SODIUM bacon. Not only did I buy it. I ate the whole package. And, no, not at once, that would defeat the purpose. I spread it out over a number of days (2) so my taste buds didn’t really know what was going on.

It’s a big step though.

Editor’s note: I’m being forced to watch the University of Miami open up their season against FAMU on ESPN 360, which is only a real thing because the internet says so. Which is ironic since the internet is the only place I can get that “station”. That has nothing to do with babies, but it pisses me off, so I thought I’d let you know.

Another thing you need to know: Having sex doggy style means you’re having a boy.

This Makes Boys

This is not an announcement, a pronouncement, a denouncement or any other kind of nouncement. It is a scientific fact (according to the stupid internet, which invents channels for you to watch football on). I wouldn’t believe it but, if any guys read this, it might help your cause the next time your girl wants to have a baby. Just sayin’.

We won’t find out if we’re having a boy or a girl for a few more weeks, so you’ll have to keep guessing how it happened.

Finally, this is a perfect example of why I feel I am fit to be a father. And topical, too. And timely.

My boss, Margot, and I took a tour of the old Frances Langford/Evinrude estate today. Edenlawn Plantation. If you get the chance to go….sure, why not? I did.

Along the way, we found a fruit tree that the guide said was a starfruit tree. I know a starfruit and those testicle-looking things hanging from it wasn’t starfruit. So she picked it up and brought it back to the office.

As we were trying to figure out what it was (thank you, Google Images) I cut it in half and was playing with the insides. It was hard to cut and obviously not ripe. But I pulled the seed out, sniffed it real close to my nose, played with the fruit part, etc. General inspection. Not like the kind Paris Hilton is gonna get when she goes to prison.

Margot was reading the internet and said “Well, taste it. See what it tastes like.”

I’ve grown up in Florida and lived here long enough to know nothing goes in your mouth unless you know exactly what it is. Or who it is, in some cases but, again, another blog entry, I think. I also knew she was half-kidding.

She kept reading, while I kept sniffing and prodding it.

“It’s an ackee,” she said, reading the web page. “Ackee was first introduced to Jamaica and later to Haiti, Cuba, Bali, Barbados and others. It was later introduced to Florida in the United States.”

More: “The dried seeds, fruit bark and leaves are used medicinally,”

Ackee....poison.

I sniffed and prodded some more. She read on: “The fruit is used to produce soap in some parts of Africa. It is also used as a fish poison and is POISONOUS TO HUMANS UNTIL FULLY RIPE.”

I immediately washed my hands. And my nose.

The point of that story is, if I will purposely pass up the opportunity to taste a brand new, foreign fruit, despite the urging of an authority figure, I’m certainly mature and wise enough to bring a child from pooping and peeing mess to serviceable member of society.

Thank you, Jamaica! (And Snoop Dogg).